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HIS LORDSHIP's gymnasium. Play 'The Stately Homes of England', music only.
Fade and bring up HIS LORDSHIP doing his exercises. He speaks to us during mild exertion. He is on a rowing machine to start with.... |
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Narrates) Some years ago I stole a hot air balloon, intending to use it as a place to hide a body. The notion was to dump the body in the balloon's basket and set the thing floating off on a nice long trip. Hopefully it would land several countries away. Clever.
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He gets off the rowing machine and commences pulling weights... |
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Narrates) I hid the balloon in some deserted farm buildings on my estate, and forgot about it. I knew nothing about how to operate balloons, so although I killed several people during the time the balloon was hidden, I did not use the balloon in the way I intended. A ballooning lesson was what I needed and I never got around to having one.
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One of HIS LORDSHIPís dinner parties.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Approaching fast) Gwendolyn, my dear girl, I hear you are getting married. Tragic! Where is the lucky swine?
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| GWENDOLYN | He is dreadfully sorry but he couldnit come to your party. I bought him an extra-special engagement prezzie. A trip in a balloon. He's up in the clouds right now.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | A balloon, no! He really is a lucky swine! I wish someone loved me enough to buy me a trip in a balloon.
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| GWENDOLYN | Someone does, I'm sure.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | No. No one. Aren't I sad?
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Mobile telephone conversation in Rolls-Royce speeding up a motorway.
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| GWENDOLYN | Lady Summerly, please. - Gwen.
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Briefest pause while she waits
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| LADY SUMMERLY | (From phone) Gwen! I'm so happy for you. I've just heard the good news.
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| GWENDOLYN | Thanky-poo. Look, I'm just leaving one of His Lordship's dinner parties...
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| LADY SUMMERLY | (From phone. Like ice) Oh, yes.
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| GWENDOLYN | Well, I don't know why I am ringing you at all. But you were the first person I thought of. - It's just that I bought Boris a balloon trip as an engagement prezzie and when I told His Lordship he was really quite pathetic, saying that no-one loved him enough to buy him a balloon trip....
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| LADY SUMMERLY | (From phone. Very angry) And what in Blue Blazes could that possibly have to do with me?
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| GWENDOLYN | I, erm, just thought....sorry.
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LADY SUMMERLY hangs up. we hear the tone.
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| GWENDOLYN | (Sorry for herself) Oah!
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HIS LORDSHIP's bathroom. He is taking a bath. His butler, CHIVES, enters with a discreet cough.
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| CHIVES | Another birthday card, sir.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | How many does that make, Chives?
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| CHIVES | 824, sir. A record. Shall I open it, sir?
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| HIS LORDSHIP | Yes, go on. I recognise the handwriting. Lady Summerly's. If dear little Gwendolyn has done what I expected of her there will be a voucher for a balloon trip inside.
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CHIVES deftly tears open the envelope.
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| CHIVES | (without any surprise whatsoever) From Lady Summerly, sir. Happy 50th Birthday. No endearment, sir. But enclosed is a voucher for a balloon trip.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | Yes, of course! - You see, Chives, if someone buys me a gift of a balloon trip, then the fascination with balloons is theirs, not mine. So if the police at some future interview say: "Have you ever had anything to do with balloons, your Lordship?" I can truthfully say: "Well, I was up in one once, loathed it, but it was a gift from a friend - more than a friend, almost a former fiancée - so I had to force myself to go". Thus I would be made to look ever-so innocent, balloon-wise.
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| CHIVES | A wise precaution, I'm sure, sir.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Very jolly) Shall we murder someone today, Chives?
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| CHIVES | (On his way) I'd rather not, sir, if you don't mind.
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HIS LORDSHIP continues his bath, laughing, singing "Up, Up And Away In My Beautiful Balloon" in a cracked baritone.
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An E-type Jaguar pulls up on a farm track. We hear the door shut and HIS LORDSHIP get out.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Narrates. A confidential tone) So on the morning of my 50th birthday, feeling no older at all, I drove to a totally obscure field 10 miles up the motorway. A field like any another except there was a whopping great red balloon in the middle of it. Standing beside the basket was a slight, serious Indian gent in a nicely tailored brown suit.
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| CHAUDHURI | (Calls in background) Good morning, your Lordship. We have excellent ballooning conditions today! Most excellent conditions!
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Narrates.) He looked the sort who would chatter about balloons without being asked, thereby clueing me up about everything I needed to know in order to expertly use my hidden balloon in the way I intended.
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| CHAUDHURI | Please, sir, kindly use the stepladders provided.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | These aren't stepladders. They're two old milking stools nailed together.
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HIS LORDSHIP climbs up to the rim of the basket.
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| CHAUDHURI | Please be careful, sir.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | I say, this balloon-basket of yours is filthy! It's got little snails living in its weave, and more moss over it than my grandfather's grave.....OOH!
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Sound of HIS LORDSHIP falling headfirst into the basket.
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| CHAUDHURI | Oh, your Lordship! No personal damage, I hope!
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Laughing) No, no. I landed on this. What is it?
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| CHAUDHURI | A parachute, sir.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (A bit worried) What, only the one?
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CHAUDHURI speaks while casting away ropes outside the balloon, preparing for take off, then ascends the milking stools and jumps into the basket.
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| CHAUDHURI | In the event of a calamity, sir, we shall jump from the balloon strapped together, in the same parachute. If your Lordship objects to such intimacy he can always stay behind. I am most expert in parachuting. Most expert.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | Well, let's hope we don't need your parachuting expertise today.
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We hear our first blast of the burner. It roars for take off.
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| CHAUDHURI | No, no, sir, I am sure not. - Enrico Chaudhuri, balloon ascenscionist, at your service, sir! (Yells, above roar of burner, very excited) We have lift off! To the skies we go, ha, ha!!!!
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Squeak of wicker as the basket takes off. Roar of burner.
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| CHAUDHURI | (Awe-struck) Always the best moment, sir. When we leave the world.
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In the air.
Small blast of burner.
Stillness, quiet. Crows caw far away. |
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Narrates.) We climbed slowly at first, then the pilot turned on the burner and a blast of flame sent hot air shimmering into the balloon.
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In the air.
Small blast of burner.
We hear this: big blast of burner, creak of basket.... |
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Narrates.) We rose with a whoosh which swung the basket. Mr Chaudhuri did indeed prove loquacious...
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| CHAUDHURI | (In background) You will notice, sir, the predominance of oak trees bordering the fields, but there are no oaks in the copses...
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Narrates.) But his talk was about everything except balloons. I did, however, watch everything he did carefully and learned all I needed to know. - It was almost a clear day, the view was magnificent and I found myself a fanatical convert to ballooning.
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| CHAUDHURI | See here, sir, in the field by the river, the outline of an ancient village on the turf. Romano-British, I think, sir.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Looking down, very interested) Oh, yes. Fascinating! - Look, do you think we could swing about a bit and fly over my own estate? I've lived there 50 years to the day and never seen it from the air. It's about 10 miles over there.
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| CHAUDHURI | Definitely, your Lordship.
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CHAUDHURI is already busy doing the necessary. Short blasts from the burner.
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| CHAUDHURI | A few adjustments and we catch a gentle breeze which takes us on our way. Meanwhile: champagne, sir? And salmon sandwiches.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | Champagne, poo-whee, rather, yes.
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Pop of champagne cork, pouring of champagne.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | No sandwiches though. Feeling a tidge queasy, wot.
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| CHAUDHURI | (A sound of disappointment) My daughters made them especially for your birthday snack, sir.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | Oh, go on then.
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Crinkle of silver foil. HIS LORDSHIP eats.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | Mmmmm, the altitude must have made me hungry. - I think I'll eat all these. Thankyou, Mr Chaudhuri. Mmmmmm. (Laughs, while eating and drinking.) You know, fifty's a wonderful age. I feel somehow that I've grown up at last. I can be myself, properly myself, for the first time.
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Bring up blast from burner, till it is a constant roar in the background.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Narrates.) The bolus from the sixth sandwich was still in my throat when I saw far below a sudden puff of white.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Looking over rim of basket) What in the Blue Blazes......?
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Distant sound of a parachute opening.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Narrates.) It was a parachute opening. I wondered where a parachutist might have jumped from - there being no buzz or sight of aeroplane in the blue sky. I kept on, stupidly, looking around the bulb of the balloon for a glider or perhaps another balloon obscured by the balloon I was in.
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We hear the creak of the basket as he moves about it. The burner continues.....
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Narrates.) Even though I edged right around the square of the basket and did not bump into the pilot, it still did not immediately occur to me that the parachutist was he. Then I got it, at the same time sinking down rather woozily, my arms hanging over the edge of the basket like a doll in a box.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Woozy groan.)
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Narrates.) Above me the burner was blasting out a steady column of hot flame, forcing the balloon higher and higher. I could do nothing to stop it. - Far below, I saw the pilot reach the ground near some deserted farm buildings at the far side of my own estate, and in the same instant realised that I was flying in my own balloon, or rather the balloon I had stolen to use for the exact purpose for which it was now being used. The whole ingenious plot then hit me like the bad news it was. - Without any anxiety at all I studied the contours of my estate and admired the roof of my house, so recently and expensively restored. Then a mobile chimed in my pocket.
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Mobile phone plays "Happy Birthday To You".
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Narrates.) Don't own one. Hate the things. That Chaudhuri creature must have slipped it into my pocket.
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We hear him fumblingly get the mobile from his pocket and answer.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | Hello, yes. Whoever this is, could you possibly call the Air Force or....
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| LADY SUMMERLY | (From phone) Happy birthday, your Lordship.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | Oh, it's you, darling.
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| LADY SUMMERLY | (From phone) Enjoy the sandwiches, did you? Didn't taste a bit iffy? Oh, and don't try dialling any numbers. That phone is fixed to take only this incoming call. Just wanted to say goodbye. (Chuckles mockingly) Goodbye. |
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Breathless, tired.) Lady Summerly, you are to be commended for an excellent plan. I am drugged, half senseless, my limbs are like lead, and I seem about to float away into eternal oblivion of your making. Clever girl. - Where are you, can you see me?
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| LADY SUMMERLY | (From phone) Look down. I'm in the Bentley on the farm road, come to collect Mr Chaudhuri. |
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Looking down) Oh, yes. (Chuckles.)
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Narrates.) Her Bentley moved like a tiny clockwork mouse along the road to the very farm buildings where I had once hidden this balloon and where Mr Chaudhuri awaited her. The balloon was getting higher, floating fast into a thin cold cloud. Far below, the increasingly tinier Bentley did not seem to stop moving, but out of it popped Lady Summerly. I recognised her white fur coat against the green land.
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| LADY SUMMERLY | (From phone, mockingly) Your Lordship, are you still there? |
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Short of breath, unwell.) Yes, I'm here, darling. Just been thinking what to do. Brilliant solution. Spoils everything for you, I'm afraid. (While heaving himself up with great effort.) Not going to float off to oblivion, after all. Going to jump out of the balloon, old gal. Thereby splatting myself all over the landscape, in full view, and leave it to the police to work the damn thing out. (Struggling.) Not easy, this. Legs gone.
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| LADY SUMMERLY | (From phone, during the above and after) Get back into the basket! You monster! You filthy evil monster! - Mr Chaudhuri - you speak to him... |
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HIS LORDSHIP continues to struggle. The basket creaks with his efforts.
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| CHAUDHURI | (From phone) Hello, hello....as your advisor in ballooning matters, your Lordship, I would advise.....(Yells) YOUR LORDSHIP!!!! (A sound of ultimate chagrin.) |
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Sudden shocking caw of crow! Sound of the fall. Strangled cry of HIS LORDSHIP.
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Fade sound of burner blast. Bring up whoosh of the air, fast thump of his heartbeat. We continue to hear this as he speaks...
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Narrates.) I pitched myself out of the basket somehow. Thrilling, wot! Wasn't I brave? - By a miracle which made front pages in all the newspapers, I crashed through the roof of my own house and landed in my own bed. Lucky swine! |
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Terrifying crash as HIS LORDSHIP hits the roof of his manor house and breaks through the roof, the attic, smashes through a ceiling and lands with a huge complaint of bedsprings on his bed.
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Then quietude, just a few bits of plaster falling.
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Narrates.) Flat on my back, I could see the balloon through the hole I had made. It was only sighted once more - by a commercial aircraft not far from the Isle of Rockall. Where it ended up no one knows.
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Wind whistles. Creak of lonely, empty basket, splutter of burner. Gulls in far distance. |
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| HIS LORDSHIP | (Narrates.) As I lay recovering, I have not just been chuckling at photographs of the police arresting Lady Summerly. I have had a jolly good think! - I have decided to murder Gwendolynis fiancé, Boris, and marry her myself. She really is a poppet, you know. For our honeymoon we shall cross Africa lengthways in a balloon.
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Wind whistles. Play out with ëThe Stately Homes of Englandi. Inside the music: sounds of Africa. Lions roar. Champagne glasses chink. |
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Wind whistles. HIS LORDSHIP and GWENDOLYN giggle as they canoodle. |
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