CHARACTERS
| On the Beach: |
|
| COLONEL DIGBY THROCKMORTON...... | ......a 704-year-old whopper-teller |
| CONSTABLE BINSLEY...... | ......a failed policeman |
| In the Story: |
|
| ENID...... | ......a pretty girl with a talking lobster |
| A TALKING LOBSTER...... | ......a lobster who talks |
| HENRY OOKS...... | ......a boy as strong as a lion |
| TRISHA FISHER...... | ......the most beautiful girl in the world |
| CHERYL POTTS...... | ......even more beautiful than that |
| THE HEAD...... | ......a nameless head |
| OLD OOKS...... | ......Henry's great-grandfather |
| WILHELMINA PHLOX...... | ......Old Ooks's old flame |
| THE ZARATAN...... | ......a beast with Paradisical intent |
| BLUG-NUG-WUGUG...... | ......a Stone Age man |
| Also: |
|
| A WAITRESS A BUS DRIVER A BUS CONDUCTOR A DOLPHIN |
|
| SCENE 1 |
Ext. Beach |
| GRAMS | PLAY IN WITH 'I DO LIKE TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE' |
| FX | FADE THIS QUICKLY. A MOMENT'S SINISTER SILENCE, BRINGING UP FARAWAY CRIES OF PEOPLE PLAYING ON A BEACH, GULLS SCREAMING NEAR AND FAR, THEN: THE SLOW AND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS OF A POLICEMAN WALKING ON PEBBLES |
| THROCKMORTON: | (HUMS 'I DO LIKE TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE') |
| SPOT | THE CONSTABLE'S CRUNCHING APPROACH, DURING THIS SCENE HE IS FOREVER SHIFTING HIS PLOD'S FEET, CRUNCHING THE PEBBLES. THE RHYTHMICAL COLLAPSE AND SUCK OF WAVES. |
| CONSTABLE BINSLEY: | Excuse me, sir. |
| THROCKMORTON: | Uh? |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | May I, in the line of duty you understand, ask you what is amiss? |
| THROCKMORTON: | A Miss, in my experience, is an unmarried woman. |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | It's just that this being the hottest day for years and you sat sitting there on this here pebbly beach with all them coats and hats and medals on. |
| THROCKMORTON: | (IRRITATED) Are you one of my nephews? |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | I'm a policeman. Constable Binsley. |
| THROCKMORTON: | So you're no-one's nephew? |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | (THINKING HARD) I have an Uncle Frank in Southend. |
| THROCKMORTON: | Say hello to him for me, next time you see him. |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | You know him, do you, sir? |
| THROCKMORTON: | Good God, no! Dreadful man! |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | (TURNING SLOWLY NASTY) I'll have you know, sir, that there's a law against confusing a policeman. |
| THROCKMORTON: | (SUDDENLY ANNOUNCING HIMSELF) Colonel Digby Throckmorton. |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | (TAKING OUT NOTEBOOK, LICKING PENCIL) I'll make a note of that, sir. Is that twelve Ks in Throckmorton? Or four Ss? |
| THROCKMORTON: | Fifteen Ys and a Q. Would you like to hear a story? |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | (EXCITED IN HIS DULL WAY) Erm, confessions, is it, sir? To a murder? To a string of unsolved murders going way back to 1962, the solving of which would obtain me the promotion I so richly deserve? |
| THROCKMORTON: | Of course not! It's a story, a proper story! About this beach and this little fishing village, a long time ago. I'm 704-years-old, you know. I've seen a thing or two. I taught Edward III to play cards. |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | Well, ordinarily, sir, I'd be happy to hear your story, but I'm in pursuit of a lost dog wot bit the local pork butcher this morning. |
| THROCKMORTON: | Never mind that, man! Sit down, undo your shoelaces, let me tell you about....the Zaratan. |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | (TEMPTED) Monster, is it, sir? |
| THROCKMORTON: | Of a sort. |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | (SORELY TEMPTED) Very interesting things, sir, monsters, to a policeman like myself. I may have to arrest one one day. (SITTING ON THE CRUNCHY PEBBLES, SHYLY)....And, as it happens, I have been feeling a little depressed lately. My sergeant hates me, you know. Mebbees a little monstrous story might cheer me up. Do you mind if I take notes.... |
| THROCKMORTON: | Give that stupid thing here! |
| FX/SPOT | A SNATCH, THE PLOP OF THE NOTEBOOK INTO THE WAVES |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | There's a law against throwing policemen's notebooks into the sea..... |
| THROCKMORTON'S VOICE BROUGHT UP CLOSE, OVER THE COMPLAINING POLICEMAN IN BACKGROUND, HE ADDRESSES US DIRECTLY.... |
|
| THROCKMORTON: | This is the story of one of my nieces, Enid Throckmorton, who lived in this village, Catfish-on-Sea, nearly 500 years ago. Enid was a very fortunate girl. She has something nobody else had: a talking lobster. |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | Would you swear to this in a court of law? |
| THROCKMORTON: | Oh, it did, honestly. It was a talking lobster. It sang songs too. Unfortunately, it only talked to her. It never said a word to anyone else. |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | (WITH A POLICEMAN'S UNDERSTANDING) One of those talking lobsters, eh? |
| THROCKMORTON: | Did you know someone who had one? |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | (PROTESTING TOO MUCH) Not me, no. |
| THROCKMORTON: | When you were a lad. |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | No. No. (AN EMBARRASSED POLICEMAN'S NOISE) No. No. |
| THROCKMORTON: | You didn't perhaps have one yourself? |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | No. |
| THROCKMORTON: | Are you sure? |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | (GRUNTS POLICEMANISHLY WITH A "YES" LOST IN THE GRUNT) |
| THROCKMORTON: | What was that? |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | (ADMITS SHAMEDLY) I did. I had a talking lobster. It was him who advised me to join the police force. |
| THROCKMORTON: | (SLAPS HIM ON THE BACK IN DELIGHT) Excellent! Excellent! You'll understand exactly how my niece Enid felt when the other children of the village wouldn't believe that her lobster talked. |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | (WEEPS) They wouldn't believe me either! They wouldn't! |
| THROCKMORTON: | They wouldn't believe her either! They teased her most dreadfully! |
| SCENE 2 | Ext. Beach |
| FX | CHILDREN SPLASHING IN WATER |
| HENRY: | Hey, Enid! Where's yer lobster? |
| ALL CHILDREN TOGETHER: | Lobster! Lobster! Talking Lobster!!!!! |
| ENID: | Shut up about my lobster, you lot! |
| ALL CHILDREN: | LET'S HEAR A SNIPPIT OF HIS CONVERSATION THEN!!! MEBBEES HE'LL READ THE LESSON IN CHURCH ON SUNDAY!!!!! |
| ENID: | (STOMPING OFF ACROSS THE PEBBLY BEACH) He's much more interesting to talk to than you stinkers!!! And he speaks French!!!! |
| TRISHA FISHER: | (SPLASHING, WITH HILARITY) He speaks French! A talking lobster! Wheeeeee-ha-haaaa! |
| CHERYL: | (LAUGHING HUGELY) Je suis une lobster!!! Whaaaaa-haaaa-haaaaa!!!!! I'd marry him if I were you! |
| TRISHA FISHER: | You can live on the bottom of the sea and bring up a family of prawns!!!! |
| ALL CHILDREN: | LOBSTER!!! LOBSTER!!! TALKING LOBSTER!!! |
| ENID: | (RUNNING AWAY IN TEARS; FROM FURTHER AWAY IN THE WATER, ACROSS PEBBLES) You're horrible! All horrible! |
| THE OTHER CHILDREN LAUGH AS SHE GOES |
|
| SCENE 3 | Int. Room |
| (INTERIOR ACOUSTIC) |
|
| ENID: | (SNUFFLING) |
| THROCKMORTON: | (CLOSE) Poor girl. How alone she felt! But she wasn't alone, her lobster was there. She kept it in a bucket under the bed. |
| FX/SPOT | THE LOBSTER SCRATCHES INSIDE THE BUCKET WITH HIS LEGS, SPLASHES AND CLICKS HIS CLAWS. HE CLICKS THESE CLAWS WHENEVER HE IS PRESENT IN A SCENE |
| TALKING LOBSTER: | What's wrong with you this time? |
| ENID: | (SUDDENLY FIERCE THROUGH HER TEARS) THIS TIME!!! THIS TIME!!! SAME AS EVERY TIME!!!! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!! |
| LOBSTER: | My fault? I'm a lobster. How can it be my fault? |
| ENID: | You're not a lobster, you're a talking lobster. Please, why can't you talk to someone else, just once? That would shut them up! I've no friends. And it's all your fault! Read the lesson in church on Sunday, would you, please, eh, huh? |
| LOBSTER: | Ooooh, naw. Naw. Couldn't. He'd be furious with me. |
| ENID: | (WIPING AWAY HER TEARS) Who would? God? |
| LOBSTER: | Not God. HIM. HE would. |
| ENID: | Who's he? |
| LOBSTER: | HIM. Paradise is coming. He will bring it for you, for me, for everybody. |
| ENID: | (BREAKS INTO A NEW FIT OF SOBBING) |
| LOBSTER: | Don't cry my little prawn. I'm sorry. But I can't speak to no-one but you. He told me not to. I was sent just for you. Just for you. Because you're one of his special people...you will help him make his Paradise, the Paradise that is to come. |
| ENID: | (GROANS) I suppose if you've got yourself a talking lobster, it's bound to talk nonsense. (ANOTHER SOB) |
| LOBSTER: | (WITH BORN-AGAIN CHEERFULNESS) When HE comes, everything'll be hunky-dory, honest. |
| ENID: | (FURIOUS, HAMMERING THE WOODEN FLOOR WITH HER FEET) WHEN WHO COMES?????? |
| LOBSTER: | HIM! HIM! HIM that was here once before and will be here again. |
| ENID: | WHO'S "HIM" WHEN HE'S AT HOME???!!! |
| LOBSTER: | I'm not allowed to say. |
| ENID: | (THROUGH HER TEETH) You salty crabby-eyed hors d'oeuvre, you! |
| LOBSTER: | HUH! (PAUSE) HUH!!! |
| (A PAUSE WHILE THE AIR CLEARS) |
|
| LOBSTER: | Enid? |
| ENID: | (VEXED) What? |
| LOBSTER: | Can I hold your nose in my pincers like I did last night? |
| ENID: | No. |
| LOBSTER: | Go on! |
| ENID: | All right, then. Not too hard. OOOOHCH! |
| LOBSTER: | Sorry. That better? |
| ENID: | (THROUGH A BLOCKED NOSE) Yeah. |
| LOBSTER: | (HIGHLY AMUSED) Sing 'Greensleeves'. Just for me, sing 'Greensleeves was my heart of gold....' |
| ENID: | (SINGS 'GREENSLEEVES') |
| (THE LOBSTER IS WILD WITH HILARITY) |
|
| ENID: | (THROUGH BLOCKED NOSE) Easily amused, lobsters are. |
| SCENE 4 | Ext. Beach |
| GRAMS | PERCY GRAINGER'S 'MOLLY ON THE SHORE' PLAYS IN BACKGROUND |
| THROCKMORTON NARRATES WHILE RUNNING ALONG THE BEACH, AGAINST THE WIND, CONSTABLE BINSLEY FOLLOWS |
|
| FX | MUSIC AND WIND ARE LOUD, THROCKMORTON SHOUTS TO MAKE HIMSELF HEARD |
| THROCKMORTON: | The other youngsters of Catfish-on-Sea were always teasing my poor niece. Sometimes they made her cry. Sometimes she just got angry. And when she was angry......SHE RAN!!!!! RAN on her little legs like the wind..... |
| ENID: | Look at me! I am running like the wind! Wheeeeeee! |
| THROCKMORTON: | How she loved to run! Her bare feet on the pebbles! Her bare feet on the sand! Running into the water and her tongue out to taste the salt sea air! |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | Wait for me, my shoelace is undone! |
| THROCKMORTON STOPS, GETTING HIS BREATH BACK |
|
| THROCKMORTON: | (PANTING) And whenever she went running, the talking lobster would follow on a bicycle. |
| FX/SPOT | THE CREAK AND PEDAL OF A LOBSTER-DRIVEN BICYCLE |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | Did they have bicycles in them days? |
| THROCKMORTON: | (ALMOST CAUGHT OUT) Erm.....this one didn't have wheels. |
| BRING MUSIC AND WIND DOWN |
|
| LOBSTER: | (CALLING) Don't run so fast, girl. This bicycle doesn't have no wheels, you know!!! |
| ENID: | Hurry, you maniac lobster! There's something in the water. Out there. I thought it was a Christmas Pudding at first, but on closer squinting I think it's...a man's head. |
| FX | CLUNK AND TINKLE OF THE LOBSTER ARRIVING AND GETTING OFF THE BICYCLE. GULLS CRY DISCREETLY |
| LOBSTER: | Where's this, then? |
| ENID: | There! There! Is it HIM? |
| LOBSTER: | Who? |
| ENID: | HIM!!! HIM!!! HIM that was here once before and will be again. |
| LOBSTER: | Naw, he's much bigger than that. He's half as big as Norfolk, HE is! You're right, though. It is a man's head. Better throw me out to it. |
| FX/SPOT | SKITTER OF CLAWS AS SHE PICKS HIM UP |
| Careful with that leg, it's loose....arrrrrrrrhhhhhhhh..... |
|
| FX | WHOOSH OF THE LOBSTER BEING THROWN THROUGH THE AIR. WE WAIT A LITTLE TOO LONG FOR THE SPLASH. HE SPLASHES |
| SCENE 5 | Ext. Beach |
| ENID: | (MUMBLING ON THE SHORE) Where is that stupid lobster? |
| LOBSTER: | Here I am! |
| IN THE BACKGROUND WE HEAR A SORE COMPLAINING MUMBLE, AS OF A MAN WHO HAS A LOBSTER PULLING HIS NOSE |
|
| ENID: | You've been hours! |
| LOBSTER: | I've been dragging this thing all the way along the sea's-bottom and I had to explain what it is to every whelk and limpet along the way.... |
| THE HEAD: | (THROUGH A BLOCKED NOSE) Excuse me, please, young lady. Could you perhaps get this lobster off my nose. |
| ENID: | It is a head, isn't it? |
| LOBSTER: | It's wot you'd normally see under a hat if a hat were on a head. |
| ENID: | Looks like a head. Just a head all by itself. Didn't it say something just then? |
| THE HEAD: | (LIKE NOËL COWARD WITH A BLOCKED NOSE) I can't say my piece with that claw pinching my nose. |
| ENID: | Let him go, you daft lobster. |
| LOBSTER: | (SLYLY) I'll let him go if he sings 'Greensleeves'. |
| THE HEAD: | Don't know 'Greensleeves'. |
| ENID: | Course you do... (SINGS IT FOR HIM) ...'Greensleeves was all my joy...Greensleeves was my delight... Greensleeves was my heart of gold...' |
| THE HEAD JOINS IN, ITS NOSE SEVERELY PINCHED. THE LOBSTER IS WILD WITH HILARITY. IT LAUGHS SO MUCH IT LETS GO OF THE NOSE. THE HEAD MOANS ITS SORE NOSE BACK INTO WORKING ORDER |
|
| ENID: | Please excuse him, Mr. Head... Lobsters are easily amused. Do you live in the sea? Just floating about like a bottle with a message in it? |
| THE HEAD: | Actually I do have a message. From HIM. HE sent me. |
| ENID: | HE did? |
| LOBSTER: | (AWESTRUCK) It's from HIM. A message from him!!! |
| THE HEAD: | HIM, yes. You are Miss Enid Throckmorton, of 5 Fisherman's Cottages, Catfish-on-Sea. |
| ENID: | I suppose I am. |
| THE HEAD: | HE wants you. |
| ENID: | HE? |
| THE HEAD: | HE'll be there, off the headland, on Sunday morning, bright and early. Don't be late, will you? |
| ENID: | What's HE want me for? |
| THE HEAD: | HE hath need of you, to help make his Paradise. |
| LOBSTER: | (EXCITED) Told you!!! Told you!!! |
| ENID: | What's HIS name, then? |
| THE HEAD: | Oooooh, I'm not allowed to say. |
| ENID: | Tell me his name or I'll kick you out to sea! |
| THE HEAD: | Would you, I'd be so grateful. I'm terribly afraid of sheep, you know....and there's one coming this way. |
| FX | THE THREATENING BAA OF A SHEEP |
| ENID: | All right. I will! |
| THE HEAD: | Don't forget. Sunday. Bright and... |
| SHE DOES A LITTLE RUN UP. THE KICKING CONTACT OF HER FOOT ON THE HEAD IS LIKE A THUDDING PENALTY KICK THAT MISSES THE GOAL AND ZOOMS OUT OF THE STADIUM WITH A WINDY WHISTLE |
|
| THE HEAD: | (WAILING INTO THE DISTANCE).... AAAAAArrrrrgggggHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhh-ggggggnnnnnnngggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! |
| SCENE 6 | Ext. Beach |
| FX | A GENTLE LAP OF WAVES |
| TRISHA FISHER: | (SWEETLY) Henry..... |
| FX | SPLISH-PLIP-PLISH OF SKIMMING STONES |
| HENRY: | See that! I skimmed it six times! |
| TRISHA FISHER: | (PRETTILY) Stop skimming stones, Henry Ooks! (LIKE A SERGEANT-MAJOR) Come here! |
| HENRY: | Wot you want, Trisha? |
| TRISHA FISHER: | (THE CHARM OF ALL THE ANGELS) Henry..... |
| HENRY: | Uh! |
| TRISHA FISHER: | Who is the prettymostest, me or Cheryl? |
| HENRY: | Oooooh, couldn't say! |
| TRISHA FISHER: | If you say me I'll let you kiss me on the end of my nose. |
| HENRY: | I don't want to kiss you on the end of your nose. |
| TRISHA FISHER: | Of course you do. |
| HENRY: | Don't. |
| TRISHA FISHER: | (SHOUTS) DO!!! |
| HENRY: | All right, then. (SHYLY) You are the most splendiferous... |
| TRISHA FISHER: | (CORRECTING) Prettymostest.... |
| HENRY: | Prettymostest...girl in all the village. |
| TRISHA FISHER: | In all Norfolk? |
| HENRY: | In all Norfolk. |
| TRISHA FISHER: | Prettymoster than Cheryl. |
| HENRY: | By miles. |
| TRISHA FISHER: | And her wots got the talking lobster or says she has? |
| HENRY: | (PIG SICK OF THIS) You're the prettymostest girl wot ever I laid eyes on. |
| TRISHA FISHER: | (VERY SATISFIED) You can kiss my nose now. |
| SPOT | THE SOUND OF HIM KISSING IT, SHE SNEEZES |
| TRISHA FISHER: | Errr, that was horrible! You made me sneeze. |
| CHERYL: | (HURRYING UP TO THEM) Wot you doing, Henry Ooks? |
| HENRY: | Nuffink, Cheryl! Nuffink! Honest! |
| CHERYL: | I seen ya! You was kissing old Halibut Face on the end of her nose.... |
| HENRY: | Wasn't not! |
| TRISHA FISHER: | Wot you call me?? |
| CHERYL: | Halibut Face! |
| TRISHA FISHER: | (SWEETLY) Henry says I'm the prettymostest girl in all Norfolk. Better than you. |
| CHERYL: | Like fish you are! I've been wearing this daisy-chain in my hair all summer and it hasn't died one bit. That's because I'm 50 times more pretty than anyone. Come here, Henry...kiss me on the end of my nose and then tell us both, cross-you-heart-and-hope-to-die, which kiss made you tingle the most. |
| HENRY: | (WORRIED NOW) I...I...I'd better not! |
| CHERYL: | Go on, lad! |
| SPOT | HE KISSES, CHERYL SNEEZES |
| TRISHA FISHER: | (TO CHERYL) Horrible, wasn't it? |
| CHERYL: | He made me sneeze. |
| TRISHA FISHER: | He made me sneeze too. Let's beat him up. |
| CHERYL: | Yes, let's. |
| SPOT | THE SCUFFLE ON THE PEBBLES AS THE GIRLS ATTACK HIM, LOUD "OW"S AND "HELP"S FROM HENRY |
| THE GIRLS LAUGH TRIUMPHANTLY |
|
| TRISHA FISHER: | (TO CHERYL) My punches are much prettier than yours. |
| CHERYL: | A lady doesn't punch, she SLAPS. |
| SPOT | A HUGE SLAP |
| HENRY: | OWYA!!!! |
| FADE HIS CRIES |
|
| SCENE 7 | Ext. Dunes |
| FX | FADE UP CRIES OF SEAGULLS |
| ENID: | (SOFTLY) That you, Henry Ooks? |
| HENRY: | (SNIFFING BACK TEARS) Go away! |
| ENID: | What you doing way out here on the dunes? |
| HENRY: | Thinking! Thinking about LIFE!!! |
| ENID: | I'd never have found you, but a guillemot saw you and told my talking lobster...and he told me. |
| HENRY: | You're barmy, you are. |
| ENID: | Listen, Henry. You're the strongest lad in the village. |
| HENRY: | (PUTTING HIS MALE EGO BACK ON) Strong as a lion, me. Strong, I am. Stronger than Trisha Fisher, whatever she told you. |
| ENID: | Will you row me out to the headland, first thing Sunday morning? |
| HENRY: | Suppose so. Why? |
| ENID: | HE'll be there. |
| HENRY: | Who? |
| ENID: | HIM that was here once and will be again. |
| HENRY: | Who's that then? |
| ENID: | My lobster will tell you...he understands it better than me. |
| LOBSTER: | I don't never speak in front of no one 'cepting you. |
| HENRY: | (UTTERLY AMAZED) Hey, that lobster said something, I's sure! |
| SCENE 8 | Int. Room |
| THROCKMORTON: | (NARRATING, CLOSE) If you wait long enough it is always Sunday. Next Sunday morning Enid said goodbye to her friend the lobster. |
| ENID: | Ain't you coming with me, then? |
| LOBSTER: | Naw. I don't want to go back. |
| ENID: | Back where? |
| LOBSTER: | You'll see. It's where I'm from. But I'm not allowed to talk there and I like to talk. |
| ENID: | But if I'm not here you've nobody to talk to. |
| LOBSTER: | I can talk to myself, can't I? |
| ENID: | (ON HER WAY) Byesie-bye, then. |
| LOBSTER: | Byesie-bye! |
| SCENE 9 | Ext. House |
| FX/SINGING | EARLY-MORNING GULLS CRY. ENID MUTTERS 'BOBBY SHAFTOE', SKIPPING ALONG IN BACKGROUND AS THROCKMORTON SPEAKS TO US |
| THROCKMORTON: | (NARRATING, CLOSE) Off she went past all the tiny white cottages where fisher-folk were just waking up and forgetting their dreams, her eyes looking at the huge yellow sun that splashed its dawn across the summer-blue sea, making yellow glints on the wavetops as if God was skimming bananas towards the shore. And there was the headland, where a thin blue mist hung around the cliffs. Maybe HE was there already, smoking a cigar while he waited. Enid knocked on the door of an upturned boat where Henry lived with his great-grandfather, a man with fingers like knotted rope and a face wrinkled like a scribbled-on page. |
| SPOT | ENID'S KNOCK, A PROPER KNOCKING-ON-DOOR KNOCK. OLD FISHERMAN OOKS ANSWERS, COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING |
| OLD OOKS: | (THE VOICE OF SOMEONE WHO ATE LONG JOHN SILVER, ANXIOUS) Wilhelmina? That you, gal? Come back at last!? |
| ENID: | (HAPPY AS CAN BE) Morning, Old Fisherman Ooks. My, ain't your nose a red'un, s'morning! Been singing 'Greensleeves' have we? |
| OLD OOKS: | Eh? |
| ENID: | Private joke, sorry. |
| OLD OOKS: | Wot be you doing here at this early hour, little girl? |
| ENID: | I come for Henry. |
| OLD OOKS: | Henry don't like no little girls. You'll just go and break his black little heart the way Wilhelmina broke mine. You're very pretty though. Even prettier than she was. |
| ENID: | Thanks, I'm sure. Where's the lad? |
| HENRY: | (THROWING ON HIS CLOTHES, MOUTH FULL OF BREAKFAST, HURRYING PAST HIS GREAT-GRANDAD) Here I am! All ready and strong as a lion! |
| OLD OOKS: | Where be you off to in this strangely peaceful dawn? |
| HENRY: | Bye, Pops! We're off to see HIM! |
| OLD OOKS: | (ALERTED) HIM! HIMMMMM!!! |
| HENRY: | HIM that was here once before and will be again! Bye! |
| OLD OOKS: | (HOBBLING AFTER, CREAKING, HE GRABS HENRY ROUGHLY) HIM!!! HIM, THEE SAYED, LADDIE!!! YOU'RE OFF TO SEE HIMMMM!!! |
| ENID: | It's all right, you silly old fool. We're just rowing around to the headland. |
| OLD OOKS: | HIM!!! HIM!!! Back after all these years! |
| ENID: | HE wants to see me. I don't know what for but I'm going anyway. |
| OLD OOKS: | (HIS VOICE CRACKING WITH EMOTION) HIM!!! HIM, back again, him wot took my beloved girl, Wilhelmina Phlox, wot I loved wif all my bones and was gwan ter marry someday. |
| HENRY: | Let me go! Will you? |
| OLD OOKS: | (WEAK AND BROKEN) Sorry, lad. But ye mustn't go. It's him...the Zaratan. Back again. He travels the world in search of people for his evil designs. When I was your age, he came then. He's not a man, he's not a beast, he's an island, an island wot floats. All over the globe he goes, collecting younguns. |
| HENRY: | (SCORNS) Who told you this, her talking lobster? |
| OLD OOKS: | Talking lobster? She got a talking LOBSTER!!! You got a talking lobster, my pretty? |
| ENID: | I have. I do. |
| OLD OOKS: | Wilhelmina had a talking lobster. They all work for HIM. HE sends them, to talk to you, to butter you up so's you'll go. I'll bet he's told you about the Paradise his master will make. |
| ENID: | He has, yes. He's quite a bore on the subject, actually. |
| OLD OOKS: | Off the headland, thee says. I'll pop in and get my nocuteleleariters. (HE CREAKS HOBBLESOMELY AWAY) |
| HENRY: | (WHISPERS) Come on, Enid....let's push off. HE'll be waiting!!!! |
| ENID: | (ALREADY ON HER WAY) Yeah! Mustn't be late. |
| SPOT | THEIR RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ON PAVES, THEN ON PEBBLES |
| OLD OOKS: | (SHOUTING AFTER) HERE! HERE! DON'T GO! HENRY, LAD!!! ENID, MY PRETTY!!!!! ONCE HE'S GOT YOU HE'LL NEVER LET'S YER GO!!!! YOU'LL NEVER SEE YER HOMES AGAIN!!!! (HE GIVES UP SHOUTING AND COUGHS INSTEAD, THEN DESPERATELY, AS THE SCENE FADES:) If you sees Wilhelmina tell her I still loves her! (HE SOBS) |
| SCENE 10 | Ext. Beach/Sea |
| ENID: | Thought you said you was strong! |
| HENRY: | This boat weighs tons! Help me push! |
| FX | THE ROWBOAT BEING PUSHED DOWN THE BEACH, THEIR GROANS |
| HENRY: | (OUT OF PUFF) Oh, no - it's them. |
| FX | GIRLISH FEET RUNNING OVER PEBBLES |
| TRISHA FISHER: | Hey, where you off to with the lobster woman? |
| HENRY: | Nowhere. |
| CHERYL: | Trisha and I wanna come too. |
| ENID: | You can't come! HE doesn't want to see you! Just ME!!! |
| TRISHA FISHER: | Who's this "HE", then? |
| FX | SPLASH OF BOAT IN WATER |
| HENRY: | All on board, whoever's coming!!! |
| FX/SPOT | SOUND OF THE THREE GIRLS CLAMBERING IN |
| TRISHA FISHER: | Lobster Woman!!!! |
| ENID: | Halibut Face! |
| CHERYL: | Girls, please, let's be ladies! |
| FX | THE STEADY PULL OF HENRY'S OARS IN THE WATER WHILE THE GIRLS BICKER |
| TRISHA FISHER: | (TO CHERYL) She call me something under her breath? |
| CHERYL: | (PLEASED) She called you Halibut Face, what else! |
| TRISHA FISHER: | She called you Trout Gob! |
| CHERYL: | Never did. She's my friend. Aren't you my friend, Enid, sweetie? |
| ENID: | Trout Gob! |
| CHERYL: | Lobster Woman!!!! |
| FX | THE THUD OF WAVES ON THE BOAT'S PROW |
| HENRY: | Hey, it's getting a bit choppy. |
| ENID: | Yeah, and there's a nasty cloud up ahead. Coming around the headland. |
| CHERYL: | Looks more like an island to me. |
| ENID: | An island, Cheryl, you're right. |
| CHERYL: | (WHISPERS, TO TRISHA FISHER) See, she's my friend. She called me Cheryl. |
| FX | A BIG SPLASH FOLLOWED BY A BIGGER SPLASH |
| GRAMS | C-CAT TRANCE'S 'SHAKE THE MIND' BEGINS LOW IN BACKGROUND. |
| FX | THE SONG OF WHALES, THE CLICK OF DOLPHINS. THE WIND SLOWLY RISING DURING THROCKMORTON'S SPEECH |
| THROCKMORTON: | (SHOUTING ABOVE THE SPLASHING, NARRATES) The sea began to boil like a pan of water. Henry rowed with all his strength, till he fell in the bottom of the boat exhausted. (WE HEAR HIM MOANINGLY DO THIS) Trisha Fisher and Cheryl Potts took the oars. Enid combed back her dripping hair with her fingers and watched the dark shape of the Zaratan get larger and larger. Just a grey hump in the water to begin with, covered in barnacles, and seaweed like a scraggly beard. Then they could count its leafless trees, its ruined church with what looked like a huge eye where the round window should have been. |
| TRISHA FISHER: | We're sinking! Bail out, Henry! |
| HENRY: | It's too late! Too late! |
| CHERYL: | We're going under! It's over my knees! |
| ENID: | Keep rowing! Harder! Harder! |
| FX | WILD SPLASHING, BOILING AND BUBBLING OF WATER. WHALE SONG ALL AROUND THEM. THE MUSIC DOUBLING OVER ON ITSELF. GULLS CRY. DUCKS QUACK. THE YOUNGSTERS SHOUT FOR HELP |
| THROCKMORTON: | (SHOUTING ABOVE THE STORM) A million fish were leaping out of the water all around them, slapping them in the face (WE HEAR THE SOUND OF THIS). Dolphins clicked warnings. |
| A DOLPHIN: | (WITH JAPANESE ACCENT) Click-clikk-kkk...GO BACK! Go BACK!!!! |
| THROCKMORTON: | They rowed to where the Zaratan's shadow made the sea as black as boiling ink. |
| A DOLPHIN: | Go back! Go back!!!! |
| TRISHA FISHER: | We're all going to drown! Drown!!! |
| THROCKMORTON: | They were sinking...or were they already underwater?...they couldn't tell! |
| ENID: | (SCREAM) Henry! Where's Henry... |
| CHERYL: | A wave! It snatched him away! A wave! A huge wave! But not nearly as huge as that one. Arrhhhh!!! |
| FX | A HUGE THUDDING WAVE. THEY ALL SCREAM. THE ROWBOAT BREAKS UP WITH CRACKLES AND SPLINTERS |
| CUT SUDDENLY. SILENCE |
|
| SCENE 11 | Int. Zaratan |
| FX | ACOUSTIC OF A CAVE. A HEART BEATING: THIS BEATS DISCREETLY THROUGHOUT THEIR TIME INSIDE THE ZARATAN. SLOW PLOONKITY DRIPPING OF WATER. THE YOUNGSTERS MOAN AS THEY AWAKE |
| HENRY: | That you, Cheryl? |
| CHERYL: | (MOANS) Am I still pretty when I'm as wet as this? |
| HENRY: | I should say. But not as pretty as Enid, though. |
| CHERYL: | (HIGHLY DISAPPOINTED) Oh. |
| HENRY: | Enid? |
| ENID: | Here I am. Can't find Trisha nowhere. Must have drowned. |
| CHERYL: | (RATHER PLEASED) What a pity. |
| TRISHA FISHER: | I didn't drown. I'm under this seaweed. |
| FX/SPOT | A WET SCHLOOKING SOUND AS TRISHA FISHER FREES HERSELF FROM THE SEAWEED |
| TRISHA FISHER: | Where are we? |
| WILHELMINA PHLOX: | (THE SEXY VOICE OF A DUCHESS PAST HER PRIME) You are inside the Zaratan, little fishes. Some turtles swam in with you, right through HIS mouth. He spat them out, of course. This is HIS brain, by the way. |
| ENID: | His brain! |
| WILHELMINA: | Oh, he's mostly brain. (CHUCKLES TO HERSELF) We're quite safe now. He's awake. But we'd better hurry. If he falls asleep this chamber will be full of his dreams. I'm Wilhelmina Phlox, by the way. |
| HENRY: | Wilhelmina Phlox? That's my great-grandad's old girlfriend. |
| CHERYL: | But she's beautiful. |
| TRISHA FISHER: | Not a day over twelve. |
| WILHELMINA: | I'm 103, if you don't mind! |
| ENID: | You've kept your looks, I must say. |
| WILHELMINA: | It's the penguins wot does it, dear. I never eats anything else. Quick, he's falling asleep. Run, run. |
| SPOT | THEY ALL RUN, ACROSS A WET SPRINGY FLOOR |
| WILHELMINA: | We'll never make it! Come here, hide inside this telephone box. |
| HENRY: | What's a telephone box? |
| WILHELMINA: | I don't know. They haven't been invented yet. He dreamed it last night and the penguins haven't taken it upstairs yet. |
| THEY ARE SQUASHING PAINFULLY INTO THE TELEPHONE BOX |
|
| WILHELMINA: | Yes, he dreams his dreams, you see, then the penguins drag all the bits of the dream away and put them upstairs. It's such a junk shop up there! He's making Paradise, you see. |
| ENID: | Yeah, I heard that. |
| WILHELMINA: | But he hasn't got everything he needs yet. He needs oodles more things. And People! PEOPLE! He can't dream people properly, you see. They come out all soppy and they don't know what to do with themselves. The penguins drown them in the kitchens. Still, he's got you lot now. I dare say he's a twitch nearer Paradise now. He'll take root, I expect, stop all this floating from ocean to ocean. Penguins taste dreadful, dearie, but they're good for your complexion. |
| HENRY: | Miss Phlox? |
| WILHELMINA: | Oh, he's dreaming about orchestras again. |
| GRAMS | THE DISTANT SOUND OF AN ORCHESTRA TUNING UP |
| WILHELMINA: | Can't tell you how many bassoons I've got in my bathroom! |
| HENRY: | Miss Phlox? |
| WILHELMINA: | Yes, dear. |
| HENRY: | My great-grandad, he never stopped loving you. He told me to say so. |
| WILHELMINA: | (TEARFUL) After all this time! Is he still the same handsome young man, strong as a lion? |
| HENRY: | Erm...what would you say, Enid? |
| ENID: | (WITH EVE ARDEN SHARPNESS) I'd say he hasn't eaten enough penguins. |
| WILHELMINA: | Oh, you must try some. |
| FX | THE SUDDEN RINGING OF THE TELEPHONE |
| CHERYL: | I've a terrible ringing in my ears. |
| WILHELMINA: | No, dearie, it's the telephone box's telephone. Can't be for me. (TO ENID) You dear, you answer it.... |
| ENID: | Me.... |
| WILHELMINA: | Pick up its thing and say "Hello" three times. |
| SPOT | SOUND OF ENID LIFTING RECEIVER. IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S GOT A HEAVY BREATHER... |
| ENID: | Hello? Hello?........Hello? |
| ZARATAN: | (DOWN THE LINE, THE THIN VOICE OF AN ABSENT-MINDED BISHOP) Hello.....Zaratan here. Is that Enid Throckmorton of 5 Fisherman's Cottages, Catfish-on-Sea? |
| ENID: | Speaking, yes. (RASPINGLY WHISPERS TO THE OTHERS) It's HIM!!! |
| WILHELMINA: | You are honoured! |
| ENID: | (INTO PHONE) Yes? |
| FX/SPOT | SOUND OF MONEY BEING FRANTICALLY PUSHED IN AT ZARATAN'S END OF THE PHONE LINE |
| ZARATAN: | It's all right, I've plenty of sixpences. |
| ENID: | (WITH THE OVEREMPHATIC STRESS OF SOMEONE UNUSED TO TELEPHONES) Where exactly are you speaking from? |
| ZARATAN: | I'm not sure. My mind keeps wandering. You haven't seen it, have you? |
| ENID: | Does it look like a penguin? |
| ZARATAN: | No. |
| ENID: | I haven't seen it then. |
| ZARATAN: | I thought I should ring to welcome you aboard. I hope you'll be very happy here. |
| ENID: | It's been a lovely visit, yes, but I think we'd all like to go home now. If you could dream up a boat for us, please. |
| ZARATAN: | Ooooooh, no. No. You can't go. Not ever. I need you here. To help make Paradise with. Yes, yes. It's going to be simply zaratanabibblious, you'll see. |
| ENID: | Our village is paradise enough, thank you. We want to go back there. |
| ZARATAN: | No you don't. |
| ENID: | We do. |
| ZARATAN: | Say that again and I shall hang up! |
| ENID: | I think you're being monstrous! |
| FX | DIAL TONE. HE HAS HUNG UP. |
| ENID: | (DEJECTED, TO THE OTHERS) He's hunged up. |
| WILHELMINA: | He's just dreamed a rather nifty little cake shop. Shall we have some tea before the penguins take it away? |
| SCENE 12 | Int. Teashop |
| SPOT | THE CAKE SHOP, CHINKING OF PLATES, THE SOUNDS OF ENTHUSIASTIC EATING |
| WILHELMINA: | Where is that dopey waitress? (CALLING) Five more slices of penguin cake, please! |
| SPOT | WAITRESS CLINKING TOWARDS THEM WITH TROLLEY |
| WAITRESS: | Who am I? Where'd I come from? |
| WILHELMINA: | Never mind that. Cake! |
| HENRY: | Yeah, hurry up, Missis. |
| SPOT | SOUNDS OF THE DOLING OUT OF CAKE |
| CHERYL: | I don't like this pengiun cake. It squeaks after you've swallowed it. |
| WILHELMINA: | But it's quite tasteless, dearie, without the squeak! |
| ENID: | Lookere, Miss Phlox... |
| WILHELMINA: | "Wilhelmina", please. |
| ENID: | What exactly did this Zaratan personage bring us here for? Perhaps if we did it he'd let us go. |
| WILHELMINA: | Actually, dearie, he only really wants you. You are obviously a very special young woman, with the sort of qualities he's looking for. |
| TRISHA FISHER: | Can the rest of us go home then? |
| HENRY: | We can't go and leave Enid behind by herself! |
| CHERYL: | Yes we can! |
| WILHELMINA: | Nobody's going anywhere, dears! He'll never allow it! |
| ENID: | What exactly are these qualities I'm supposed to have? |
| WILHELMINA: | Ooooh, you'd better ask him. |
| ENID: | He's barmy. |
| WILHELMINA: | He's under a lot of strain. |
| HENRY: | (IN BACKGROUND, CALLS) Here, you got any cake wot don't have penguins in it? |
| WAITRESS: | (PUSHING THE TROLLEY, IN BACKGROUND) Who am I? |
| WILHELMINA: | Making Paradise is a slow business, you know. It takes a lot of thinking, to get the details right. But one night he'll dream the right dream and next morning, hey presto, there it'll be! Can't be long now. Any day. |
| FX/SPOT | THE NATTERING OF PENGUINS. FURNITURE BEING SHIFTED |
| WILHELMINA: | Oh, dear, they're taking it away already. And I've only had 19 slices! Still, we'd better get a move on and plug your friends into the wall. |
| FX/SPOT | THEY GET UP. THE SHIFTING OF CHAIRS |
| TRISHA FISHER: | What wall's this, then? |
| WILHELMINA: | (WHISPERS, TO ENID) We don't want to listen to their silly chatter till Paradise comes, do we? It'll be much nicer with just you and me. (A SINISTER LAUGH) |
| SCENE 13 | Int. Zaratan |
| THROCKMORTON: | (NARRATING, CLOSE) Wilhelmina Phlox, who looked no older than the rest of them but was 103, took Enid, Henry, Trisha Fisher and Cheryl Potts on a walk around the insides of the Zaratan. |
| WILHELMINA: | Which way was it, now? |
| THROCKMORTON: | They walked through huge halls full of the pieces of the creature's dreams. Staircases that went nowhere. Piles of books with printing on just a page or two, here and there. Footballers in a daze. The foyer of an hotel in Singapore. And they walked down a corridor where a horse race was taking place, but just as the horses reached the finishing line they suddenly disappeared and the race started again. |
| FX | THE SOUND OF A HORSE RACE, THE STARTER SAYS "AND THEY'RE OFF!". A BRIEFNESS OF HOOFBEATS, THEN HE SAYS "AND THEY'RE OFF!" AGAIN |
| HENRY: | (LAUGHING) This is great! I like it here! Can I keep this Viking helmet? |
| ENID: | Henry Ooks, you look stupid! |
| TRISHA FISHER: | (IN SUDDEN EXCITEMENT) Hey, Cheryl, look....swanky dresses! Hundreds of them! |
| CHERYL: | Cor! |
| FX/SPOT | THE SOUND OF TAFFETA BEING FONDLED, ZIPS BEING PULLED, THE TWO GIRLS GETTING INTO DRESSES |
| TRISHA FISHER: | Get into one yourself, Enid, go on. |
| ENID: | No thanks. |
| CHERYL: | Ain't I a double-helping of Princess?! |
| TRISHA FISHER: | I'm prettier in mine! |
| CHERYL: | Never are! Look at these ribbons. I'm so happy I could cry! (SHE DOES JUST THAT) |
| TRISHA FISHER: | So could I! (SHE FOLLOWS SUIT) |
| ENID: | Don't they look stupid, Henry? |
| HENRY: | (SIGHS ADMIRINGLY) Pretty stupid, yeah. |
| WILHELMINA: | (CALLING TO THEM FROM DOWN THE CORRIDOR) Hurry up dearies....I simply must plug you in or he'll start rumbling. |
| FX | A RUMBLE |
| WILHELMINA: | See! |
| THEY HURRY DOWN THE CORRIDOR, THE SOUND OF THE TAFFETA DRESSES OF CHERYL AND TRISHA FISHER |
|
| SCENE 14 | Int. Zaratan |
| FX | THE SOUND OF ELECTRICITY FIZZING AND FUSES GOING POP |
| ENID: | What's all this? Who are all these people in funny outfits? |
| WILHELMINA: | They're HIS collection, Enid, lovey, all nicely plugged in...been collecting them since time began, he has. Aren't they sweetiepies, all quietly waiting for Paradise. (WHISPERING TO ENID) You're not being plugged in, of course, you're to help me. Oh, the long cosy chats we can have! (THE STRICT NOTE OF A KGB AGENT) But your friends must be plugged. |
| HENRY: | (WORRIED) Where exactly does the plug plug in, then? |
| WILHELMINA: | It doesn't hurt a bit, silly boy. Hey, you, leave that plug alone! |
| FX/SPOT | THE PLOOMP-BIK OF A PLUG BEING UNPLUGGED |
| CHERYL: | Terribly sorry, Miss, I seem to have woken up this Stone Age man. |
| BLUG-NUG-WUGUG: | (A THICK STONE AGE ACCENT) Has Paradise arrived yet? |
| CHERYL: | 'Fraid not, sorry. |
| BLUG-NUG-WUGUG: | There won't be no brontosauruses in Paradise, eh? They stamp on your cabbages, you know. |
| WILHELMINA: | (VERY GRUFFLY, TO CHERYL) Give that here, girl! |
| FX/SPOT | THE SOUND OF A PLUG BEING PLUGGED IN |
| BLUG-NUG-WUGUG: | (QUICKLY DROPPING OFF TO SLEEP) In Paradise nothing will stamp on yer cabbagezzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. |
| WILHELMINA: | Come, come, come....who'll be first to be plugged? Henry? |
| HENRY: | (SOMEWHAT CONCERNED) Ladies first. |
| WILHELMINA: | Trisha? Cheryl? |
| TRISHA FISHER: | Like fish! |
| ENID: | They don't wanna be plugged. |
| CHERYL/TRISHA/HENRY: | Naw, we don't wanna be plugged. |
| WILHELMINA: | Oh, but you must be plugged. Otheringwise, I shall have to give you over to the bears. |
| HENRY: | Bears? |
| WILHELMINA: | They have a suite of rooms around here somewhere. They do nothing but play chess all day. (SIGHS DEJECTEDLY) I've a feeling there's going to be a lot of chess in Paradise. I haven't fed them in yonks! |
| TRISHA FISHER: | You're not throwing me to no flea-bitten chess-playing bears!!! |
| CHERYL: | Neither-and-me-too!!!! |
| TRISHA FISHER: | Henry won't let you! Will you, Henry? |
| HENRY: | Erm, no...certainly not. |
| ENID: | I should think not. I never heard such nonsense, not even from my talking lobster. |
| FX | THE TRUNDLE AND PING OF AN APPROACHING BUS |
| WILHELMINA: | Watch out everyone, there's a bus coming! |
| ENID: | A what? |
| WILHELMINA: | They go around and around here all day! |
| FX | WHIZ OF BUS DOORS OPENING |
| BUS DRIVER: | Fancy a ride, yous lot? |
| ENID: | (IN SUDDEN PASSION) HURRY! ALL ON BOARD! |
| SPOT | THEIR FEET RUNNING ONTO BUS |
| WILHELMINA: | Wait! Enid, please, I must plug in your friends or I'll get in the most awful bother..... |
| SCENE 15 | Int. Bus & Nose |
| FX | THE CHUGGING OF A BUS'S ENGINE |
| BUS CONDUCTOR: | (PERSON WITH A COLD) Where to, please? |
| ENID: | Five to the nose, please. |
| FX | BUS CONDUCTOR CHURNS OFF THEIR TICKETS |
| BUS CONDUCTOR: | A million pounds, please. |
| WILHELMINA: | (RUSTLING IN HER BAG) I think I've some money somewhere. (A CRACKLE OF WHITE FIVERS) This enough? |
| HENRY: | (WHISPERS, TO ENID) Enid? What are we going to the nose for? |
| ENID: | You'll see. |
| BUS DRIVER: | (OVER INTERCOM) THE NOSE! WE HAS ARRIVED AT THE NOSE. |
| BUS CONDUCTOR: | (HURRYING ALONG THE AISLE) All off, please! All off the bus, please! |
| SPOT | CLOSE, THE ZARATAN IS ABOUT TO SNEEZE. "Ah! Ah! Ah!" HE GOES, SNIFFING VERY SNOTTILY. DURING THE FOLLOWING EXCHANGE, HIS STRUGGLE NOT TO SNEEZE IS BRAVELY FOUGHT.... |
| WILHELMINA: | What is that disgusting sound? |
| ENID: | He's going to sneeze! |
| WILHELMINA: | Oh, dear! |
| ENID: | Hold on tight! |
| SPOT | A HUGE, WET, SNOTTY SNEEZE: THE HUGEST IN THE HISTORY OF RADIO. HENRY AND THE GIRLS SCREAM |
| FX | THE WHIZZING SOUND OF A BUS ZOOMING TEN MILES THROUGH THE AIR, ITS BELLS GOING, THE TICKET-MACHINE CHURNING |
| FX | THE TERRIBLE CRASH OF A BUS THAT HAS BEEN SNEEZED TEN MILES THROUGH THE AIR. BOINGS! PLINKS! SPLASHES! THE DYING HISS OF THE DOORS IS THE LAST THING WE HEAR BEFORE SILENCE |
| SCENE 16 | Ext. Dunes |
| SPOT | THE ENSEMBLE WAKING UP, KNOCKING OVER TINNY OBJECTS, DELICATE BOINGING, TINKLES OF DRIPPING GLASS |
| ENID: | Lucky we landed in a sand dune. |
| WILHELMINA: | Where's the Zaratan got to? |
| (IN THE BACKGROUND THE BUS CONDUCTOR IS CONTINUALLY SAYING "Oh, dear me!") |
|
| ENID: | Sneezed himself way out to sea, I expect. |
| WILHELMINA: | Poor dear! |
| TRISHA FISHER: | My dress isn't even slightly torn! |
| CHERYL: | Yes, it is. |
| SPOT | THE SOUND OF THREE-INCHES WORTH OF TEAR |
| TRISHA FISHER: | Cheryl Potts, that was you! |
| SPOT | THEY ARE FIGHTING, MORE TEARING |
| CHERYL: | Wasn't! |
| TRISHA FISHER: | Was! |
| OLD OOKS: | (APPROACHING UP DUNE) Hello! Hello! Anyone alive in there? I saw the whole thing! It flew through the air, it did! |
| WILHELMINA: | Who is that hideous old man? |
| HENRY: | It's my great-grandad. |
| WILHELMINA: | (SUDDENLY PASSIONATE) Oliver! |
| OLD OOKS: | Wilhelmina! |
| WILHELMINA: | (IN A PROFOUND PASSION) You haven't changed a bit, dearie! |
| OLD OOKS: | Nor you, my pumpkin. |
| WILHELMINA: | But do you perchance have a few penguins in your refrigerator? |
| OLD OOKS: | What in my what? |
| WILHELMINA: | Oh, they're very good for you, truly. |
| (ENID, TRISHA FISHER, CHERYL AND HENRY ALL LAUGH) |
|
| SCENE 17 | Ext. Beach |
| FX | THE SOUND OF THE WAVES, PEOPLE FAR AWAY PLAYING BEACH GAMES, AN ICE-CREAM VAN DISTANTLY PLAYING 'I DO LIKE TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE' |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | (SOBBING WITH DELIGHT) A wonderful story, Colonel Throckmorton. Wonderful. Especially that end bit. I don't have a girlfriend myself, you see. |
| THROCKMORTON: | (SINCERE) I'm glad you enjoyed it. |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | I did. I did. (SNIFFING AWAY HIS TEARS, MORE POLICEMANLY) It made me remember lots of things my talking lobster said to me about Paradise and all that. He was still talking about it when my father cooked him. (WEEPS) You won't tell my sergeant I cried, will you, sir? |
| THROCKMORTON: | Course not, old chap. |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | This Zaratan thingmy, it appeared just off the headland there? |
| THROCKMORTON: | Just there, yes. |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | Where that dark blue island is now? |
| THROCKMORTON: | Which dark blue island? |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | There, see! The one wot's moving about a bit! It's not...(SAID EXTRA QUICKLY) HIM-that-was-here-once-and-will-be-again! Couldn't be, could it? |
| THROCKMORTON: | Must be! What else? |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | (GETTING UP, CRUNCHING PEBBLES) Excuse me, sir, but do you think they'll need any policemen in Paradise? |
| THROCKMORTON: | To start with, I suppose. |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | But can I swim it? |
| THROCKMORTON: | With those feet, I should coco! |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | (RUNNING DOWN PEBBLY BEACH, SHOUTING AS HE GOES) Good bye, sir! Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! |
| THROCKMORTON: | (CALLING) Toodle-pip!!!!!!!! |
| FX/SPOT | THE SOUND OF A HALF-DRESSED POLICEMAN DIVING INTO THE WAVES, THE SPLASH OF HIS FIRST STROKES |
| SCENE 18 | Int. Zaratan |
| FX | THE RINGING OF A TELEPHONE, THE RECEIVER BEING LIFTED |
| CONST. BINSLEY: | Constable Binsley, speaking. |
| ZARATAN: | (DOWN THE PHONE LINE) Zaratan here. Paradise won't be long. Any day now! If I think very hard I'm sure I can get everything just perfect. Do you think I'll manage? Hello? Hello? There's something wrong with this phone. |
| GRAMS | PLAY OUT WITH 'TRIUMPHAL MARCH' FROM AIDA, PLAYED AT DOUBLE SPEED.... |
| END |
|
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